............The morning of April 4, 2014 started as any normal morning. My alarm clock went off and I hit snooze (a few times) then rolled out of bed as I sleep walked to the shower. After drying off from my wonderful shower, I noticed something odd, something different, something deformed, about my right breast. I looked in the mirror, and O Yes! something looked different especially when comparing it to my other.
Let’s go back 4 weeks to March 9th when I noticed an inflamed lymph-node in my armpit. I remember mentioning it to my mom and sister who said to get it checked. It’s normal for me to get these from shaving so I went on with my life. 2 weeks later, I noticed a 2nd very large one but still thought it was just from shaving and unknowing this could be more.
Back to the morning of April 4th, I walked back to the bathroom crying, unsure of what was going on and confused. That day I went through the beginning motions that would lead up to a day that would change my life forever.
I was able to see my gyno that morning. Well my doctor was on vacation and I thought to myself, who does he think he is taking a vacation while this is happening to me? But I saw his assistant Cory, who agreed my lymph nodes were not normal and stated I know my breast best. She sent me for a mammogram and ultrasound. During my mammogram I was asked to do it twice because she needed better pictures of the calcifications. I knew having to go twice was bad. It was then time to speak to the Radiologist who had zero bedside manners. She stated that I had a tumor and a needle biopsy would be required as a next step in the process. As the nurse navigator set me up for an appointment with a breast surgeon for the biopsy, she used this soft, sad tone which just made the news that much harder to take. I remember her telling me its a 50/50 chance. I just kept listening to the little voice in my head, "everything will be just fine." I set up an appointment with this breast surgeon for the following Monday, April 7th. I had no idea who I was going to see but I knew I liked she was a woman and she was located in Farmington, NOT New Britain. My initial meeting would be with her APRN whom was very nice and she set me up for a biopsy Friday, April 11th. Another 5 days of my mind having the opportunity to wander and then another 5 days of the waiting game…ugh! What a day!!
It's finally Wednesday, April 16th, one more day for biopsy results when I get a call from my breast surgeons office. It was 5:00 and I was walking out of work when I answered the call and spun around to head back to the office. Just from the tone of the APRN's voice, I knew I needed to sit and get a notebook to take notes as I would probably not remember the details of what she was about to tell me. I suddenly felt my stomach drop to my feet, a ball form in my throat and fear come over my mind with that tiny little voice in the distance reminding me everything would be ok. But then it happened, what no one wants to happen, the word no one wants to hear, the horrifying words that I hadn’t understood just how horrifying are and a feeling/experience no one can feel until you are the one receiving the words, "your results came back positive for breast cancer." I was silent for what was probably 10 seconds but felt like forever. I began to process and could only respond, “ok!” We then started to go through my pathology report which I was clueless to what most of the information meant. My tumor was 5cm. I never thought about how big 5cm was until that moment. How big is 5cm? Come to find out it’s the size of a lime. I had a tumor the size of a lime in my breast? Really? Then she continued, I tested positive for her2? Her2? What's Her2? I had to ask her to spell it. I tested positive for estrogen receptors, wouldn’t every woman? It’s estrogen. That’s bad too? I tested positive for proestrogen receptors. For what? Can’t that cancel out positive estrogren receptors? I had to stop for a minute. Could it get any worse? It was confirmed it had spread to my lymph nodes, 3 we were sure of at this point. I continued to take more notes in a hazy state of mind. And good thing I took notes because when I reviewed my notes later on that evening, I didn’t remember taking half those notes.
Thursday April 24th, turned into my worst day yet. About 5PM I got a call from my oncologist. I could tell by the tone of his voice, he wasn't about to bring good news. He proceeded to tell me that they found some spots on my lungs. My heart and all my insides dropped. He told me that the spots he found on my lungs are only 3 millimeters big so too small for a needle biopsy and I would have to have thoracic surgery. He said that the likely hood of this not being cancer is very unlikely. I felt like I was going to puke. He also explained that because there were 1000's of spots and they were not isolated to one area, we could not do surgery. I asked what that meant and he told me that would make me incurable. I asked what that means, I am incurable? I would need to live on chemo for the remainder of my life. I asked how long? He said he wouldn’t know until 8 months into chemo how long I had. What? Who is this man giving up on me? Making my life a lost cause? We haven't even had a biopsy done! All I could say was, "ok!" I was in shock, overwhelmed, trying to process everything I had just heard sitting at our dining room table all alone. He asked if I had any questions and all I could say was no. What was I supposed to ask? I was at a loss for words. All I could think of was "I'm fucked!"
I hung up, still trying to understand what I just heard when the next stage of emotions came over me and I began to cry. I was crying so hard. I felt like I had been given my death sentence. My oncologist gave up one me. I knew at that moment I had to get a different doctor. Someone who is encouraging, positive and willing to fight, and not associated with New Britain.
My next call was to Barbara Healy, my amazing life coach. As I told her my story, with the fear in my voice, she was crying with me. I asked if I could take her up on her request for a different oncologist and she of course said yes and she would work her magic first thing in the morning and get back to me in the afternoon. My 3rd call was to Dr Andreoli, my gyno. He had already left for the day but I said it's urgent I speak with him. The woman from the answering service was as usual rude but when I explained my situation to her she was very willing to help. While I waited for Dr. Andreoli to call me back, I called my sister. She settled me down a bit and reminded me of the strong woman I am and the fight we would win. Dr. Andreoli called back and while I was explaining to him what just happened, is when my next emotion kicked in and I became angry. Who was this jerk that just told me what he told me? How could he do such a thing over the phone? I said to Dr. Andreoli this is proably a normal reaction from patients but who does he think he is? I am getting a 2nd opinion. He said it was very normal to feel this way and that I need to be comfortable with the doctor I choose but we also need to keep things moving.
Sunday, April 27th, I went to church. Immediately I met a woman who is a breast cancer survivor and beat cancer all natural. The pastor gave a sermon I felt was dedicated to me. I met a group of women, all fighting for something in their lives looking to god to heal them. It was a very emotional day at church. God will heal me and keep me strong. I have faith in God!
Monday, April 28th, I met my new Oncologist, Dr. Sorcinelli. Unlike the other oncologist, she was positive, and willing to fight with me. We would do whatever we needed to do to win. I was so appreciative and grateful she agreed to take me as a patient and fight with me. She gave Mom and I a very positive feeling and much needed relief.
I am ready to win this fight!...............
Let’s go back 4 weeks to March 9th when I noticed an inflamed lymph-node in my armpit. I remember mentioning it to my mom and sister who said to get it checked. It’s normal for me to get these from shaving so I went on with my life. 2 weeks later, I noticed a 2nd very large one but still thought it was just from shaving and unknowing this could be more.
Back to the morning of April 4th, I walked back to the bathroom crying, unsure of what was going on and confused. That day I went through the beginning motions that would lead up to a day that would change my life forever.
I was able to see my gyno that morning. Well my doctor was on vacation and I thought to myself, who does he think he is taking a vacation while this is happening to me? But I saw his assistant Cory, who agreed my lymph nodes were not normal and stated I know my breast best. She sent me for a mammogram and ultrasound. During my mammogram I was asked to do it twice because she needed better pictures of the calcifications. I knew having to go twice was bad. It was then time to speak to the Radiologist who had zero bedside manners. She stated that I had a tumor and a needle biopsy would be required as a next step in the process. As the nurse navigator set me up for an appointment with a breast surgeon for the biopsy, she used this soft, sad tone which just made the news that much harder to take. I remember her telling me its a 50/50 chance. I just kept listening to the little voice in my head, "everything will be just fine." I set up an appointment with this breast surgeon for the following Monday, April 7th. I had no idea who I was going to see but I knew I liked she was a woman and she was located in Farmington, NOT New Britain. My initial meeting would be with her APRN whom was very nice and she set me up for a biopsy Friday, April 11th. Another 5 days of my mind having the opportunity to wander and then another 5 days of the waiting game…ugh! What a day!!
It's finally Wednesday, April 16th, one more day for biopsy results when I get a call from my breast surgeons office. It was 5:00 and I was walking out of work when I answered the call and spun around to head back to the office. Just from the tone of the APRN's voice, I knew I needed to sit and get a notebook to take notes as I would probably not remember the details of what she was about to tell me. I suddenly felt my stomach drop to my feet, a ball form in my throat and fear come over my mind with that tiny little voice in the distance reminding me everything would be ok. But then it happened, what no one wants to happen, the word no one wants to hear, the horrifying words that I hadn’t understood just how horrifying are and a feeling/experience no one can feel until you are the one receiving the words, "your results came back positive for breast cancer." I was silent for what was probably 10 seconds but felt like forever. I began to process and could only respond, “ok!” We then started to go through my pathology report which I was clueless to what most of the information meant. My tumor was 5cm. I never thought about how big 5cm was until that moment. How big is 5cm? Come to find out it’s the size of a lime. I had a tumor the size of a lime in my breast? Really? Then she continued, I tested positive for her2? Her2? What's Her2? I had to ask her to spell it. I tested positive for estrogen receptors, wouldn’t every woman? It’s estrogen. That’s bad too? I tested positive for proestrogen receptors. For what? Can’t that cancel out positive estrogren receptors? I had to stop for a minute. Could it get any worse? It was confirmed it had spread to my lymph nodes, 3 we were sure of at this point. I continued to take more notes in a hazy state of mind. And good thing I took notes because when I reviewed my notes later on that evening, I didn’t remember taking half those notes.
Thursday April 24th, turned into my worst day yet. About 5PM I got a call from my oncologist. I could tell by the tone of his voice, he wasn't about to bring good news. He proceeded to tell me that they found some spots on my lungs. My heart and all my insides dropped. He told me that the spots he found on my lungs are only 3 millimeters big so too small for a needle biopsy and I would have to have thoracic surgery. He said that the likely hood of this not being cancer is very unlikely. I felt like I was going to puke. He also explained that because there were 1000's of spots and they were not isolated to one area, we could not do surgery. I asked what that meant and he told me that would make me incurable. I asked what that means, I am incurable? I would need to live on chemo for the remainder of my life. I asked how long? He said he wouldn’t know until 8 months into chemo how long I had. What? Who is this man giving up on me? Making my life a lost cause? We haven't even had a biopsy done! All I could say was, "ok!" I was in shock, overwhelmed, trying to process everything I had just heard sitting at our dining room table all alone. He asked if I had any questions and all I could say was no. What was I supposed to ask? I was at a loss for words. All I could think of was "I'm fucked!"
I hung up, still trying to understand what I just heard when the next stage of emotions came over me and I began to cry. I was crying so hard. I felt like I had been given my death sentence. My oncologist gave up one me. I knew at that moment I had to get a different doctor. Someone who is encouraging, positive and willing to fight, and not associated with New Britain.
My next call was to Barbara Healy, my amazing life coach. As I told her my story, with the fear in my voice, she was crying with me. I asked if I could take her up on her request for a different oncologist and she of course said yes and she would work her magic first thing in the morning and get back to me in the afternoon. My 3rd call was to Dr Andreoli, my gyno. He had already left for the day but I said it's urgent I speak with him. The woman from the answering service was as usual rude but when I explained my situation to her she was very willing to help. While I waited for Dr. Andreoli to call me back, I called my sister. She settled me down a bit and reminded me of the strong woman I am and the fight we would win. Dr. Andreoli called back and while I was explaining to him what just happened, is when my next emotion kicked in and I became angry. Who was this jerk that just told me what he told me? How could he do such a thing over the phone? I said to Dr. Andreoli this is proably a normal reaction from patients but who does he think he is? I am getting a 2nd opinion. He said it was very normal to feel this way and that I need to be comfortable with the doctor I choose but we also need to keep things moving.
Sunday, April 27th, I went to church. Immediately I met a woman who is a breast cancer survivor and beat cancer all natural. The pastor gave a sermon I felt was dedicated to me. I met a group of women, all fighting for something in their lives looking to god to heal them. It was a very emotional day at church. God will heal me and keep me strong. I have faith in God!
Monday, April 28th, I met my new Oncologist, Dr. Sorcinelli. Unlike the other oncologist, she was positive, and willing to fight with me. We would do whatever we needed to do to win. I was so appreciative and grateful she agreed to take me as a patient and fight with me. She gave Mom and I a very positive feeling and much needed relief.
I am ready to win this fight!...............